“There are only three real sports; auto-racing, bullfighting, and climbing. The rest are merely games” – Barnaby Conrad (often attributed incorrectly to Hemingway)
I don’t know as though I agree. All I’m saying is that bullfighting could use a bit of a modern boost and samurais are a completely underused element of our society. More on that later. One word. Samurais.
So, after another incredibly stressful day of world travel, Jo and I decided to drink a few glasses of the vino tinto, play some cribbage, and then go to Las Ventas and watch one of the quintessential elements of Spanish culture, the bullfights. Fairly entertaining stuff, in that absurd ancient sport kind of way; significantly more entertaining than cricket and way more understandable. I won’t get into the ethical issues other than to say that it does seem slightly more sporting than just killing the bull to sell it’s huevos.
I’ll give my longer thoughts on sport modification after the photos.
So, here’s the description from the wikipedia…
Spanish-style bullfighting is called corrida de toros (literally running of bulls) or fiesta brava (the ferocious festival). In traditional corrida, three toreros, or matadores, each fight two bulls, each of which is at least four years old and weighs 460–600 kg. Each matador has six assistants — two picadores (“lancers”) mounted on horseback, three banderilleros (“flagmen”), and a mozo de espada (“sword page”). Collectively they comprise a cuadrilla (“entourage”).
The modern corrida is highly ritualized, with three distinct stages or tercios, the start of each being announced by a trumpet sound. The participants first enter the arena in a parade to salute the presiding dignitary, accompanied by band music. Torero costumes are inspired by 18th century Andalusian clothing, and matadores are easily distinguished by their spectacular “suit of lights”.
Next, the bull enters the ring to be tested for ferocity by the matador and banderilleros with the magenta and gold capote (“dress cape”).
In the first stage, the tercio de varas (“the lancing third”), the matador first confronts the bull and observes his behavior in an initial section called suerte de capote. Next, a picador enters the arena on horseback armed with a vara (“lance”). To protect the horse from the bull’s horns, the horse is surrounded by a peto — a protective mattress-like covering. Prior to 1930, the horse did not wear any protection, and the bull would disembowel the horse during this stage. Until this change was instituted, the number of horses killed during a fight was higher than the number of bulls killed. [10]
At this point, the picador stabs a mound of muscle on the bull’s neck, weakening the neck muscles and leading to the animal’s first loss of blood. The manner in which the bull charges the horse provides important clues to the matador about which side the bull favors. If the picador is successful, the bull will hold its head and horns lower during the following stages of the fight. This makes the bull’s charges less dangerous while enabling the matador to perform.
In the next stage, the tercio de banderillas (“the third of flags”), the three banderilleros each attempt to plant two razor sharp barbed sticks (called banderillas) on the bull’s flanks, as close as possible to the wound where the picador drew first blood. These further weaken the ridges of neck and shoulder muscle and increases the loss of blood.
In the final stage, the tercio de muerte (“the third of death”), the matador re-enters the ring alone with a small red cape (muleta) and a sword. It is a common misconception that the color red is supposed to anger the bull, despite the fact bulls are colorblind. The cape is red to mask the bull’s blood. The matador uses his cape to attract the bull in a series of passes, demonstrating his control over it by getting especially close. (We had some rank amateur matadors, the were running all over the place) The faena (literally job) is the entire performance with the muleta, which is usually broken down into “tandas” or “series”. The faena ends with a final series of passes in which the matador with a muleta attempts to maneuver the bull into a position to stab it between the shoulder blades and through the aorta or heart. The act of thrusting the sword is called an estocada.
So, yeah, the bull doesn’t really get all that much of a chance. I mean, some, maybe he gets a horse, but not so much. I definitely saw a bull crush a horse against the wall, but apparently the mattresses work and the horse seemed more or less unphased.
I propose, that we reduce this whole thing to Samurai vs Bull. One man, trained in the ways of Eastern Martial Arts, clad in a highly decorated outfit of padded studded leather, of modern construction, armed with a bow, a lance, and a samurai sword. The outfit will be heavily sequined in the style of the current Spanish Matadors, but not as skin tight. If the ladies object to the lack of tightly clad matador ass, we can leave that part unarmored. The matador/samurai can have three pages, dressed as ninjas, with red and black capes.
We’ll stay with the three phases, so as not to disrupt the Spanish style.
First phase. The bull, samurai and two ninjas enter the ring. The Samurai is wearing a black cloak, the ninjas are wearing red. The Samurai draws his bow as the the ninjas fan out in the ring and twirl their cloaks drawing the bull around the ring as the Samurai takes aim and places three arrows into the mound of the bull as he charges the ninjas. Once the three arrows are spent (hopefully not hitting the ninjas..), the ninjas reverse their red cloaks and stand still.
Second phase: The ninjas remain still wrapped in black cloaks as the Samurai tosses his bow out of the ring and readies his lance. He attracts the attention of the bull, and attempts to draw the bull close enough to place the lance into it’s shoulders. Should he require assistance or rescue, the ninjas will provide.
Third phase: Having weakened the bull, he draws his katana and faces off with the bull.
In this way, I think the bull has a much better chance without turning it into a complete bloodbath. It might take a few iterations to get quite right, each of which would be fairly entertaining in it’s own right.
Y, Big Thanks to Santi, who put us up for our time in Madrid. Cheers!
